This article is to describe the fundamentals that make up a healthy D/s relationship.
A Dominant/submissive
relationship, or more commonly referred to as a D/s relationship, is just one
of three components which comprise the term BDSM. The other two are bondage
& discipline and sadism & masochism.
"All relationships have both a domination and submission component. This
is true for all types of relationships, work, and business, personal, or
intimate. They may vary in degree and change in roles played at any given time
but remain present throughout. Even in avowed "equal" relationships
there comes a time when one dominates and the other submits. Attempts at true
consensus end in chaos, someone finally takes charge, and a decision is
reached. This may not be obvious on the surface but the dynamic is nevertheless
present. It is an intellectual fantasy to insist that it is not.
In the realm of sexuality, either heterosexual or homosexual, this dynamic may
be overt or covert. In its covert form, there is no acknowledgement of its
existence, accepted by the partners but not identified as such. In its overt
form, it ranges in degree from simple acknowledgement to an open willingness to
include various degrees of consensual, non-mainstream sex play and more. The
partners determine by agreement how much or how little of this will take place.
The degree of play involved is always based on mutual consent.
In
a true D/s relationship, the following conditions exist.
The submissive offers their service to the Master/Mistress and the
Master/Mistress accepts the responsibility of taking care of the submissive.
The relationship has to be based on consent, caring, and trust. If one or the
other is missing, it can develop into a chaotic and violent activity causing
both physical and emotional pain.
For submissives, restrictions placed on them by culture, society, and religion
disappear because they are no longer "in charge" or responsible for
their actions. It requires the open and honest acceptance of one's sexuality
and a willingness to explore further.
Dominants care for their submissives, taking on the responsibility of caring
for the submissive's needs as well as their own needs. A Dominant does not
force an agenda on the submissive but may move the limits of the initial
contract to introduce the submissive to new activities. This requires an
understanding of who the submissive is as a person and their needs and wants.
Being a Dominant requires patience and maturity plus a well-developed sense of
who and what they are.
The submissive, by selecting a Master/Mistress, expects to be lead and to have
their lives expanded in unexplored directions. They trust their Master/Mistress
to take care of them. They have made a gift of themselves and have every right
to expect a caring and protected life.
The needs of a submissive in a D/s relationship are:
1. The need for love and unconditional acceptance.
2. The need for certainty and permanence.
3. The need for careful guidance.
4. The need for containment and clear boundaries of behavior.
5. The need for consistent and logical consequences for behavior.
6. The need to be reassured and praised but never in a patronizing manner.
7. The need for the One to whom she is pledged to appreciate and support her enthusiasms when she deserves it.
8. The need to know that no punishment will result from honest expressions of ideas or emotions or from acting them out when there is no way to prevent it.
9. The need to know that the One to whom she is pledged will not lie to her or hide anything from her.
10. The need to know that the One to whom she is pledged will not withdraw from her emotionally.
11. The need to know that the One to whom she is pledged is also her friend.
12. The need to know that she will have to face and not be allowed to run away from hard things but that the One to whom she pledged will handle those which she cannot.
13. The need to know with certainty that the One to whom she is pledged takes joy and derives satisfaction from her pledge and His ability to know and meet her needs.
14. The need to be sure of the benevolence of the One to whom she is pledged as she is of His acceptance of her pledge.
The submissive's and the Dominant's pledge.
Each one is important to a healthy, rewarding D/s relationship.
submissive's Pledge:
i am a free woman who accepts her role as a submissive...proud in the knowledge of who and what she is...one who will offer her gifts only to the One who has earned her respect and service...One who will cherish, respect, and protect her...for only One such as this can lead and guide her.
Dominant's Pledge:
I am a Dominant. I understand and accept the obligations of this role. I pledge to cherish, respect, and protect all submissives...to lead and guide those who chose to follow