Gung Ho - Are you Crazy?

If you listened to popular adult fiction or chat on IRC you’d soon come to the conclusion that 24/7 means constant and unwavering domination. And provided that you wanted emotional burnout in a very short time, that’s the way to go. It’s actually important to be yourself and allow yourselves to be ‘normal’. To relax and enjoy life.

Be Yourself.

Don’t lie - not to yourself, not to your partner, not to others. By portraying yourself as something you’re not, you only make your job harder than it needs to be. If you want to do 24/7 then having to act like someone you’re not only makes the responsibilities of your position more of a burden. So relax and be your natural self.
 
Let your submissive be themselves.

There is going to come a day when s/he is going to be feeling off-colour. Let them! Let them be grumpy! They don’t feel sufficient emotional energy to be submissive at this point so don’t be totally ignorant of their needs and allow them to be human. They need to have the emotional space and freedom to express this aspect of themselves.

You can still apply rules to this interaction.

For example, your submissive isn’t allowed to be downright rude, to snap out their replies to you, etc. Of course you will negotiate this application of the rules and you need to communicate openly and freely. Try to discover what is causing this change in humour:

---Is it PMS?

---Did they perceive your recent behaviour to be outside your negotiated contract?

---Is something bothering them at work, etc.

Speak clearly, slowly, with forethought and without judging.

Communication.

There are more reasons for good communication within a D/s relationship than within any other form of relationship.

Why? Because you are dealing with another human beings’ emotional well-being. You are playing with their mind (and frequently with their body as well! ).

---If one of you feels poorly or down tell the other.

---If your submissive is telling you - encourage it.

---Don’t pre-judge them.

This communication is going to allow you to learn more about them, about how they think and react. You may be required to help restore their good spirits. If your submissive is on the receiving end: s/he will need to listen, avoid judgment, maybe advise or console you.. Basically, you both need empathy.

Empathy.

Identify your partners’ needs or problem. Now, identify with their problem. Your partner - whether Dominant or submissive - is human. They have human frailties, they have human insecurities, they have human aspects of their personality that won’t fit into the stereotypical D/s fantasy. Allow them to have these 'negative' emotions - otherwise you are the one living in a fantasy! Your partner will re-emerge from their ‘funk’ eventually - And they will appreciate you all the more for your understanding.

Consistency.

One sure-fire method of making a submissive feel upset, unbalanced, unsure, and (over time) angry and disgruntled: be inconsistent. If you change the rules; punish one day for a transgression and not the next day for the same thing; expect something done without informing them and then get upset when they didn’t do that task - this is inconsistent behaviour and all ways of making him/her feel ‘unfairly persecuted’. Communicate the rules and then follow through if they aren’t obeyed.

Love and the relationship.

It happens! You’ve fallen in love with your submissive. Your heart can (potentially) complicate matters.

So now what do you do?

Communicate! Express what you don’t want to see happening in your relationship (such as emotional blackmail) and also what you want to see (such as service, obedience, forethought). Use all the points mentioned in 'communication' and 'empathy' - only double!

Love can exist in a D/s relationship!

Positives and negatives in Motivation. Humans (and that also includes Dominants) are very quick to point out when someone has done something wrong. We frequently forget to praise when something is done right. Try to remember to praise your submissive. This will go a long way towards making them happy within their role. You can increase the effect of your praise by doing two small things:
 
Praise in public, chastise in private.

This is an old human resources management principle.

When you are going to punish your sub ( and we’re not talking about a punishment that they desire, such as a spanking ) then mete out the punishment when the two of you are alone. This will reduce her embarrassment and humiliation. ( I won’t go into the concepts surrounding humiliation kinks..)

Your submissive is going to experience feelings of failure and lowered self-esteem. This is natural as s/he is on the receiving end of your displeasure. How you handle this is very important. Try to avoid use of terms such as 'stupid', 'dumb', 'incompetent', and so on. Also be consistent: stick to the rules you’ve negotiated and back up your point of view with these rules.
 
Impress the praise.

When I want to praise my submissive, I usually want to make sure s/he remembers that s/he has done well and what it is that warrants the praise so that s/he will do it again.
The method I use to make this impression is to get her to close her eyes and recite to me the last few minutes (or the appropriate time-frame ) that have just transpired. I don’t prompt her. Once s/he has given me a précis of what took place ( or at least made a good attempt: this process isn’t easy - especially when s/he has no hints as to the specific behaviour I’m asking her to recall ) I will confirm / clarify what was good and desirable about her actions. This mental recollection combined with the verbal praise makes for a more lasting impression and teaches well.

Resentment.

No matter what sort of relationship you have (i.e.: vanilla or BDSM ) if resentment is allowed to creep in and fester, the relationship is headed for rocky waters and serious trouble.

This aspect is difficult to talk about, as resentment can be built up from innumerable irks, emotions and feelings. However, in very basic terms, resentment will most likely build whenever you have a party who feels that they are shouldering an unfair proportion of some aspect of the relationship.

To give an example: If my submissive does not get off by feeling downtrodden and humiliated, then she is eventually going to feel resentful if I sit down and watch TV while she does all the housework. Unless she says something, (and I am inept at reading body language) her resentment is going to grow until the point where the relationship suffers ---probably in a terminal manner.

Extend their limits.

People talk about 'pushing the subs’ limits' whereby (during a BDSM session ) the Dom/me tries to take the sub further along the path of pain and pleasure and exploring the spiritual side that lay beyond the pain/pleasure boundary.

However, whilst this is quite fun (usually) for both parties, there are other limits that your submissive has and encounters on a day-to-day basis.

You should really encourage your sub to explore these limits too.

---Do they have a professional or a personal goal, but are too timid / unsure / insecure / whatever to pursue it?

Encourage your sub to broaden their experience, help them achieve the little things in life they want to do. Listen to your sub when they talk.

---Does s/he want to learn something?

Help her, advise her, encourage and stimulate her and watch her self-confidence soar! Because, after all, the reason you want to control this person is to shape them into realizing the potential that you can see in them.