Coping With Release When Relationships End.
Relationships end. Sometimes through the willful choice of both partners, other times one may ask for or be released. In either case the ending of a relationship is painful. In my opinion many D/s relationships tend to function in a deeper response zone in the psyche than most vanilla relationships. What kind of aftercare should exist?
Many people seem to believe that the Dominant side of the relationship 'feels' less than the submissive side. I believe the investment in time, energy and emotion is at least equal. Being Dominant does not exclude one from all of the emotional states and reactions found in anyone else.
A sudden release (especially if it originates from the submissive) can thrust the Dominant into feelings of self doubt, (did they fail to meet their submissives needs?), embarrassment, (how will their reputation fare over this failure?), guilt, (did something I do cause this?). All of these coupled to the normal feelings that accompany a loss.
A submissive being dismissed faces equally devastating feelings. Many tend to focus blame upon themselves when in fact the ending of the relationship may not have anything to do with anything they can control. They may feel discarded, used, reduced, and even toyed with. Coping with these feelings can be very hard and may also include feelings of personal betrayal. A submissive can invest everything in their belief in their Dominant. Coping with all these feelings can seem insurmountable.
In addition some Dominant's choose to take away all independence from their submissives, including credit, checking accounts, income, etc. A sudden release can leave such a submissive destitute (sometimes with children).
It is my sincere suggestion that a submissive should consider well the Dominant who plans for that submissives future. Those that do not can be subjugating that submissive to a homeless state should something happen. A Dominant should not fear the loss of control of their submissive through these actions. It is a method of inspiring respect. Not the opposite.
The severance of a relationship is a loss. In many people they experience it much like a death. Into a relationship they may invest their hopes, dreams, desires, expectations, and plans for the future. They probably have invested time, money and effort as well. Many have made great changes to be 'with' this person and at that point it may appear to them to have been a waste. We feel cast away or discarded. These emotions and feelings flow to both sides of a relationship.
It is impossible to offer a wide range of 'absolutes' when considering how best to cope. The variables among us are too great for one thing to work for everyone. However, I do believe that the person initiating the breakup must sit down and communicate to their partner in non-inflammatory words why or how they have reached this point. It is my belief that understanding, even when it is painful, aids in healing. It is better to know than to guess. In addition I think it is important for both people to attempt to maintain a modicum of personal dignity, respect and care for their ex-partner.
It is not necessary for there to be hurtful words, denigration or disrespect. This is someone you once loved or thought you loved. Closure in an adult fashion is the least hurtful to both.
Expect to feel anger, hurt, pain, depression and sorrow in the aftermath. Expect healing to take time. It is important to have friends outside of your former mate to talk to and express your feelings with. Consider it similar to mourning a death. It will take time and effort to recover.
If you are a submissive who has asked for release. Even if this is your decision you will feel all the same emotions of loss and anguish. You may know your reasons and have considered everything thoroughly but you will still face emptiness and a hollow feeling of abandonment.
A Dominant feels these same connectors.
There is no rush to begin a relationship.
If a person is real, time is the friend. If they are into 'getting their needs met', there will be intense pressure to play quickly. So, avoid that pressure. If that pressure is coming from you, examine to see if you are being honest with your partner. If you are being pressured 'to play right away', step back and see if that meets your ideas or goals.
If you are into short term casual play state it honestly. There is no shame in wanting what you want.
There is shame in lying to get what you want at the expense of other people’s feelings.
Many people seem to believe that the Dominant side of the relationship 'feels' less than the submissive side. I believe the investment in time, energy and emotion is at least equal. Being Dominant does not exclude one from all of the emotional states and reactions found in anyone else.
A sudden release (especially if it originates from the submissive) can thrust the Dominant into feelings of self doubt, (did they fail to meet their submissives needs?), embarrassment, (how will their reputation fare over this failure?), guilt, (did something I do cause this?). All of these coupled to the normal feelings that accompany a loss.
A submissive being dismissed faces equally devastating feelings. Many tend to focus blame upon themselves when in fact the ending of the relationship may not have anything to do with anything they can control. They may feel discarded, used, reduced, and even toyed with. Coping with these feelings can be very hard and may also include feelings of personal betrayal. A submissive can invest everything in their belief in their Dominant. Coping with all these feelings can seem insurmountable.
In addition some Dominant's choose to take away all independence from their submissives, including credit, checking accounts, income, etc. A sudden release can leave such a submissive destitute (sometimes with children).
It is my sincere suggestion that a submissive should consider well the Dominant who plans for that submissives future. Those that do not can be subjugating that submissive to a homeless state should something happen. A Dominant should not fear the loss of control of their submissive through these actions. It is a method of inspiring respect. Not the opposite.
The severance of a relationship is a loss. In many people they experience it much like a death. Into a relationship they may invest their hopes, dreams, desires, expectations, and plans for the future. They probably have invested time, money and effort as well. Many have made great changes to be 'with' this person and at that point it may appear to them to have been a waste. We feel cast away or discarded. These emotions and feelings flow to both sides of a relationship.
It is impossible to offer a wide range of 'absolutes' when considering how best to cope. The variables among us are too great for one thing to work for everyone. However, I do believe that the person initiating the breakup must sit down and communicate to their partner in non-inflammatory words why or how they have reached this point. It is my belief that understanding, even when it is painful, aids in healing. It is better to know than to guess. In addition I think it is important for both people to attempt to maintain a modicum of personal dignity, respect and care for their ex-partner.
It is not necessary for there to be hurtful words, denigration or disrespect. This is someone you once loved or thought you loved. Closure in an adult fashion is the least hurtful to both.
Expect to feel anger, hurt, pain, depression and sorrow in the aftermath. Expect healing to take time. It is important to have friends outside of your former mate to talk to and express your feelings with. Consider it similar to mourning a death. It will take time and effort to recover.
If you are a submissive who has asked for release. Even if this is your decision you will feel all the same emotions of loss and anguish. You may know your reasons and have considered everything thoroughly but you will still face emptiness and a hollow feeling of abandonment.
A Dominant feels these same connectors.
There is no rush to begin a relationship.
If a person is real, time is the friend. If they are into 'getting their needs met', there will be intense pressure to play quickly. So, avoid that pressure. If that pressure is coming from you, examine to see if you are being honest with your partner. If you are being pressured 'to play right away', step back and see if that meets your ideas or goals.
If you are into short term casual play state it honestly. There is no shame in wanting what you want.
There is shame in lying to get what you want at the expense of other people’s feelings.